Writing Sample

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to linking ideas between sentences and paragraphs

SUCCESS CRITERIA

Structure

I have organised and sequenced my ideas into paragraphs for purpose and effect.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal

This is my first draft:

This is my edited piece:

Hi my name is Jaimey and the story you’re about to read is something you won’t believe. After Grandad passed away suddenly, we had to move into his old house, all the way on the other side of the country! Grandad’s rundown bungalow was on 32 Red Rum street. If you haven't noticed, Red Rum spells 'murder' backwards. Everybody talks about the inscrutable story behind his neighbourhood but we always thought it was just nonsense. But now me and my irritating little brother Mac have to actually live here. Mum always says not to believe the gossip about the street but me and Mac can’t help ourselves now.  The house is really old with some cobwebs and holes with mucky water oozing. Our old house was not like this. Our old house felt like a mansion with brand new rooms! This house has lot's of strange things but I can't prove it to my mother.  If my father were here, he would understand that all this nonsense could be true. But sadly, he got killed by hunters. He was collecting firewood in the near by forest where the hunters were also roaming. The hunters heard whispering rustles in the bushes and thought it was a tiger. They weren't wise because tigers are mostly in the jungle. They selfishly shot a bullet in the bushes. The bullet shot my father with a killing blow. Everything felt felt different that day. Ok, Ok, no more time for the intro now. Let's begin with the real story. We will begin with the part where it was my first day of school.

Today was my first day at Koopsy Intermediate school. It wasn't long till I noticed that if you unscramble Koopsy, it spells spooky. As I walked through the pale white path of the school it felt comforting. The school had lots of murals and colourful signs. The rest was covered in a blanket of white. We took Mac to his new class and his teacher seemed really nice. After that, mum and I had a conversation.
"Jaimey! Do you remember what class you're in?"

"Yes mum, room 16!"

"Well you have a good memory."

"Actually mum, my memory is too good. I remember things, I want to forget." I said softly...                            

Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term?

My writing has improved because more people want to read the whole story and it is beginning to go smoothly.

The part of my story I am most proud of is…

The part I am most  proud of is the part where Jaimey describes the different features of the house because that makes a picture in the readers head.

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?

Trying to link two paragraphs because when I link the two paragraphs it didn't really connect.

Feedback/Feedforward: 

Well done Aye I really got hooked into the story at the start. I also love how you have Red Rum street and Koopsy intermediate school. Maybe next time you can  add some more paragraphs. 

Lilli